The Three Things I'm Sure Of
by OddityAwesome
Summary: There are three things I have never once doubted, and I never expected one person to be able to prove them all. SaixOC
1. Chapter 1

The usual "I don't own Naruto blah blah blah" that is painfully obvious and depressing.

* * *

There are three things I have never once doubted:

Number One: I have all my limbs intact.

Number Two: When working at a store that sells slushies and porno magazines, you will meet some interesting characters.

Number Three: Males should never wear belly shirts. Never.

Of course, all three of these things have been proven on multiple occasions, but I have never, not once in my entire life, had one person prove all of the above.

The day started ordinarily enough. The small shack, creatively named "The Good Stuff", was hotter then hell, buzzing with massive flies, and humming loudly with the dull vibrations of the dingy slushie machine and the flapping of the porno magazines being blown open by a squeaky fan.

I had already scammed the store of four (unpaid for, of course) slushies, the first one I had spilled on the counter, the second one was chugged and was still leaving pangs of the most extreme brain freeze on the planet, the third one was drunken slowly, but thrown away only half way through when my porky boss popped in "just to say hi", and the fourth one was held against my forehead to cool me down and to keep me from looking sweaty and gross. This was all done by 11:00AM. Of course the store only opened at 10:30, but hey, when you work fast you'd be surprised how much you can get done in thirty minutes.

I rested my cheek against the cool tile of the counter and watched through half lidded eyes as a creep in a belly shirt browsed through our wide selection of "love" novels. It could very well be the flickering fluorescent lights playing a trick on my eyes, but I'm pretty sure this man was the _whitest_ guy I have _ever _seen. If it wasn't weird enough that he had black hair to contrast with his borderline albino skin, he chose to wear a belly shirt. No, I'm serious here, _a belly shirt._

What the hell? I closed my eyes and ignored him, taking a gulp of my slushie. Ah, sweet relief. A book was dropped next to my face, successfully gathering my attention. I lifted my head slowly, peeling my cheek off of the counter. Damn, I'm now regretting not cleaning that spill better.

"Ew," I mumbled blandly, rubbing my cheek and glancing at the item he was purchasing. "Icha Icha I'm a Creepy Closet Pervert." Or something like that, anyway. I raised an eyebrow and he responded with smile that made him look constipated.

… So perhaps I was a bit judgmental today. I blame it on the ungodly heat.

"Is that all?" I asked, scanning the item.

"Yes." Simple answer.

"Would you like a bag?" Simple question.

"It's not for me." Stupid answer.

"Who said it was?" Stupid question.

There was a long pause.

"So… Would you like a bag?" I repeated.

"I'll be alright," he responded, looking at the book cover. There was a long pause and I cursed myself for being so awkward.

"Uh… have a nice day."

"I will," he responded, not moving from his spot.

There was a longer silence and I mentally willed him to leave so that I could rest my head on the sticky counter again.

"So… nice shirt," I lied.

He smiled.

"It's nicely… tailored. Was it custom fitted?"

"Oh, no, I just lucked out." Smile.

He looked as though he was deep in though about something, and after much concentration he came up with, "You have brown hair, brown eyes, two legs, two arms, and are incredibly ordinary looking."

"Thanks…?"

He almost looked proud. "Your welcome."

There was more silence before he said, "If my teammate wants another book I may or may not be back." Vague statement.

"If we are open I may or may not be working." Vague response.

Number One: I have all my limbs intact. Check.

Number Two: When working at a store that sells slushies and porno magazines, you will meet some interesting characters. Check.

Number Three: Males should never wear belly shirts. Never. Check.

Huh, what do you know? Some people can prove all three things in one visit.

* * *

Yeah... *nervous shuffle* Ta-dah!

I'm a feedback whore, so go ahead and tell me what you think. Otherwise I'll virtually kick you in the virtual ovaries. No, just kidding.

**Lines that I find hilarious that would only work if this story was AU:**

"It's nicely… tailored. Was it custom fitted?"

"Oh, no, I just lucked out." Smile.

"Was there a sale at Baby Gap?"


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Naruto. Or a small korean child. But I feel like me not owning Naruto makes more sense.

* * *

I didn't know if I was surprised or not to see Belly Shirt Boy walking through the doors of The Good Stuff. When he entered the small shop he stared around passively before he walked towards the counter.

"Good afternoon--" he paused and glanced at my name tag that I had hastily clipped on at the arrival of my boss, "--Tomoyo Machida."

"Hello," I responded dully. "Do you want another porno book or something?"

"No thank you. Today I would just like a slushie."

"A _slurpie_, my good boy! A _slurpie_!" My boss corrected in his booming voice while appearing behind Belly Shirt Boy and slapping him on the shoulder. I could never remember my boss's name. It was Mr. Suzoki or something like that. I just referred to him as Fat Boss.

"Isn't that right, Tomoyo-chan? We call them _slurpies_ here," he practically yelled, spittle flying from his mouth.

Hell no. I call them slushies. "Yes sir!" I responded enthusiastically instead.

"A _slushie_ is a mixture between mud and snow that is aesthetically displeasing and builds up on your shoes! A _slurpie_ is a delicious, chilly beverage served on hot days such as this one! Tomoyo! Grab this boy a slurpie! A slurpie!"

"Right," I nodded, turning around to the slurpie machine. As I put the cup under the nozzle and pulled the handle the machine gave an unhealthy groan.

"What was that?" Fat Boss shouted, pointing an accusing sausage link of a finger at the machine.

"It's been doing that for a while…" I trailed off. Was I supposed to tell him that? Oops. Sometimes I drop the ball.

"That can't be good!" he squeezed his way behind the counter and wiped his sweaty hands on his shirt. He peered skeptically at the machine making me believe he actually knew what he was doing before hitting the side of it with his fist, making it shake slightly.

"Ahem, looks like everything's fine here, yes?" Fat Boss nodded his head, pretending that he hadn't just thought hitting a machine would fix it.

"Yeah," I nodded, sliding Belly Shirt Boy's slurpie across the counter.

"Alright then. Until next time, then?" he asked absentmindedly, before leaving and mumbling to himself, "Yes, yes, until next time."

"Does he work here?" Belly Shirt Boy asked.

"Sorta, he's the boss," I replied, unclipping my nametag and shoving it in a drawer filled with pens, post-its, and calculators.

"He's interesting."

He's a fat bastard. "Yes, interesting indeed."

We were silent for a moment.

"Um, you haven't paid yet."

"Of course," he replied, handing me money. Of course _what?_

"Here's your change, Belly Shir--" I paused, "Sir."

He smiled despite the fact that I almost called him "Belly Shirt Boy" to his face. That was awkward.

"You may call me Sai," he did his odd smile, "Without the honorific."

"Oh, nice to meet you, Sai Without the Honorific."

There was more silence. Damn him for being so awkward. Or me for being so awkward, I guess.

"And your name is?" he asked after a moment. Didn't he just read my nametag? Like seriously a minute ago? Oh well.

"It may or may not be Tomoyo. Hint: It is."

"Ah, it is nice to meet you."

"It's a joy."

I searched through my mind for a compliment to break the ice, any compliment.

"Nice as--"

"Oh, hi Sai!"

Oh, thank god she cut me off. I turned to the entrance to see a happy looking blonde jogging towards us with a high ponytail bouncing with her steps.

"Oh, hello Ino-san."

She glanced over at me and, holy friggin' shit, the girl had no pupils. There was a moment where she seemed to be sizing me up… but, you know, I couldn't exactly tell, what with her having no pupils and all.

I slowly lifted my hand and cocked in a wave to see if she would see it. Apparently she did, because she looked at me (with her horrifying pupil-free eyes) like I was crazy, shook her head, and turned back to Belly Shirt Boy or Sai or whatever I'm supposed to call him.

"What have you been up to?" she asked, tapping his shoulder like she was that aunt who visits on holidays (though you wish she didn't) and pats you harshly on the shoulder, yelling, "Hey kiddo! Been hittin' the gym?"

… Or maybe she was just flirting. Who knows? I'm terrible at reading signs.

"Missions," Sai answered simply.

"Missions?" I interrupted.

Pupil-Free Patty gave me another weird look. "Yeah, we're _ninjas._ We go on missions."

"Oh. That sucks."

"Why would it suck?" she snapped, turning from Sai to face me. What? It's not like I insulted her or anything. Or maybe I did. Or maybe she's ridiculously sensitive.

"Uh, maybe because you hop around and kill people."

"That's not what we do!" she defended.

"Face it. Ninjas are like that old, cranky, bastard who hits little kids in the shins with his cane when they step on his lawn."

"Better then selling porn all day," she retorted.

"Ah, touché."

"Ninjas protect this country!" she continued. Gah, lady, I'm not even trying to fight you. Of course, if I _did_ try I would be relentless and argue until she admitted how wonderfully correct I am and how horribly stupid she is. But if I got into that then we'd probably be here all day; she seems stubborn. Choose your battles wisely, I always say.

"I didn't say they didn't…?"

"Then why would it suck to be a ninja?"

I shrugged. I didn't quite know the answer. "I just think it's lame that you make such an important decision at such a young age. When did you go into the mountains to train and fight bears?"

"We go to an _academy_," Pupil-Free Patty rolled her pupil-free eyes and gave me a pupil-free glare. Man, that still freaks me out. Pupil-free. Bleh.

"Fine. Then when did you decide to go to the _academy_? When you were like, what? Eight, maybe? At age eight you decided that you were okay with fighting, maybe even killing, for a living. That's lame."

She was silent for a minute.

"I don't think you get it," she said after a minute.

Pshya, I totally get it, she's just a sore loser. "I probably don't," I shrugged instead. Now that's willpower.

"Tomoyo-san, when did you decide to work at The Good Stuff?" Sai asked, either genuinely interested or genuinely faking it.

"Not when I was eight," I mutter under my breath. Pupil-Free Patty glared (maybe? You can never tell with those eyes). "Right about the time I ran out of money," I answered.

"Do you plan on doing this forever?" Pupil-Free Patty asked.

"Until something slightly cooler comes along."

"Like a store that sells slurpies, porn, _and _power bars?" Sai asked either sarcastically or stupidly.

"Yeah, something like that."

* * *

Heeeeey. I may or may not have tied a rope to the highdive at our pool and swung off of it like Tarzan.

Hint: I did.


	3. Chapter 3

I had a day off. _I had a day off. _Suck on that, five-day work weeks. I walked around town, not exactly sure what to do with myself. Once you finally get a day off, it's all about the battle about choosing what the hell to do. And apparently for me that battle resulted in walking around aimlessly like a loser.

I stopped at a dango stand so that I could happily stuff my face. The bored looking server leaned against his cart and chewed on a toothpick as I dithered between what to get.

I pointed to the best looking skewered dumplings. "Those look good, I'll take four."

The man raised an eyebrow but reached behind the glass to grab my order before I stopped him, "Wait! Just one, instead."

He shrugged and began to grab one before I once again interrupted his actions, "No, I definitely want four."

I watched as he stacked four dango skewers in a paper pocket. "That's not very healthy," I sighed.

"How about just one?"

The man sighed and put the rest away.

"No, three. Three is good," I decided certainly, nodding my head resolutely. The man rolled his eyes and grunted in irritation. "I'm trying to eat healthier," I clarified. The man grunted and held out his hand for money. I paid him and was on my merry way walking down the street and stuffing dango in my mouth. I choked slightly when I saw Sai sitting on a park bench drawing. He _draws_? Aren't artists supposed to be bold, passionate individuals?

"Tomoyo?" Sai questioned, cocking his head to the side when he noticed me staring. Staring? Damn it, must have blanked out. That's embarrassing. Just act like you weren't staring. Just act _cool._

"Heeeeey," I greeted, doing some odd slouchy walk towards him. He looked almost as confused as I was. What the hell? Why would I do that?

"Hello," he said, standing up in some awkward greeting and placing his miniature sketch pad in his pocket.

There was another silence and I found myself realizing that this happened more often then not with him.

"Want some dango?" I asked, holding up a skewer and shoving about three dumplings in my mouth. Oh, the lady that I am.

"I don't think I can fit that much in my mouth," he replied, and I swear to god, if he didn't have such a firm mask of indifference he would have looked disgusted.

"Ha! That's what she said!" I laughed after swallowing the gargantuan bite.

"Who said?"

"Never mind," I sighed, slumping my shoulders when I realized that my witty (or not so much in this case) humor is wasted on the morons.

"So…" I drifted off and bounced on my heels. "Did you know that the largest carnivore mammal is the Southern Elephant Eel?"

Now _that's _an icebreaker. Forget "how's the weather?"

"So I've heard."

"No way," I retorted before thinking.

"What?"

"There's no possible way that you just _knew _that."

"Why not? You did," he responded shortly. I feel like if anyone else said that it would be kind of like an insult, like they were shoving my logic back in my face, but with Sai… it was just _him. _He wasn't saying that to make me feel dumb, he was saying it because he was him. And said man is a moron.

"I just think it's weird that you know that. I doubt that most people randomly know that," I explained.

"But you randomly knew that."

"Well, yeah. I know that _I _know that it's just weird that you know it," I clarified.

"But… you also know it."

"Oh my god, _I know_! I'm just _saying…_" I drifted off when he pulled a small book out of his pocket and began flipping through the pages. I squinted and read the title: Understanding Emotions.

"Ah, you're irritated," he told me, after finding the right page.

"The _hell _is _that_?"

"Now you're--" he flipped through the pages again, "--_confused. _Why are you confused?"

"What is _that?_" I asked.

"Confusion? It is an emotion."

"No. _That,_" I answered, gesturing to the book.

"A book on human emotions."

"Oh. Well that's perfectly normal," I shrugged casually. "I left mine at home."

"You also have a book on human emotions?" he asked, "Naruto said it was weird and I was the only one who used them."

Once again, my sarcasm has been wasted. I opened my mouth to respond with something witty ("Uuuh… Who's Naruto?") but I was spared by the approach of a delicate woman with long, soft brown hair and frightening eyes.

"Sai, Kakashi was looking for you." My eyes bulged slightly and I sucked in a breath of air. Holy shit, it was a _man_! While before he looked like a delicate woman, the realization that he was male cast him in a new light. An ugly one. His pale eyes flickered over to me before turning back to Sai. It's like he was reading my mind. Or the look of shock was evident on my face. I'm going to go with him being a mind-reader. It seems more plausible.

"Thank you, Neji," Sai responded simply to the Man Lady before nodding his head to me and jumping on a rooftop and running off into the distance. Because apparently all ninjas are show-offs and it's hardly feasible to simply _walk_ off.

I moved to fiddle my thumbs but forgot about the dango and dropped it. Man Lady glanced downward but made no move to help me. _Rude. _I kicked them under the bench and turned to Man Lady.

"So your name is _Ninja_? That's awesome," I complimented, trying to make small talk.

"No. My name is _Neji_," he responded coolly.

"Ninja was cooler," I muttered under my breath, shrugging off his glare when he apparently heard me.

"Nice… hair," I offered. Neji glanced at me.

"I have to go," he responded before skulking off to brood and cry in a corner and brush his gorgeous hair or something like that. Or nothing like that. I'd like to believe it would be something along those lines. I stretched and looked around to realize that I was left alone.

"Damn, I'm bored," I grumbled moodily, kicking the ground and sulking off to find something better to do.

* * *

Hi. Sorry this took a while, except for not really because I'm busy.

Favorite Quote:

"So your name is _Ninja_? That's awesome."


	4. Chapter 4

Yeah... Definitely don't own Naruto.

* * *

"I _know_ you know I'm angry," Fat Boss grunted, crossing his arms and looking down at me, making his double chin all the more pronounced.

"I do." I nodded my head. And I _did _know. For the last five minutes he'd been explaining to me just how angry he was.

"Do you see this face?" He pointed to his fat fleshy lips, beady brown eyes, saggy cheeks, and receding hairline. _Oh yes, I saw his face._

I nodded my head.

"Hm? What was that?" he tittered, cupping his ear with his hand.

"Yes. I see your face."

"And what does this face mean?"

Oh, please don't make me say it.

"What does this face mean?" he repeated, nodding his head wisely and trying to coax the answer out of me.

"…That you're angry."

"Right you are! Can you tell me why I'm angry?"

Crap, he found the dead mouse that I swept under the table because I didn't want to touch it. Just play dumb!

I shrugged. "I'm not sure."

"A little birdie told me that you were selling _slushies,_" he raised his eyebrows and gave me an all-knowing look.

"Uh… yes?" It _is _a slushie store.

"AH! So it _is _true! Tomoyo-chan, why? Why?!" he shouted dramatically, slamming his hands on the counter.

"Uh… because we sell them?"

"NO! We sell _slurpies_! Slurpies! How many times have we been through this?"

"Like three or four times, I guess."

"No! Five times! _Five! _I've counted! And yet you still call them slushies!"

"I guess I don't really see the big deal," I answered honestly.

Mistake.

"Tomoyo, Tomoyo, Tomoyo, why? Why would you say that?"

I shrugged again. My repetitive lifestyle is killing me.

"How about I just start calling them slurpies?"

"You say that every time! Riddle me this, Tomoyo, when will you actually call them slurpies!

"Eh, today, I guess."

"How about right now?" he responded sternly.

"Okay, fine. As of right now I'll call them slurpies."

A large grin overtook Fat Boss's face and he clapped me on the back, yelling, "That's my girl! I'll see you tomorrow then!"

And then he waddled out the door, probably to go harass someone else. I gave a sigh of relief and ripped off my nametag when I was sure he was gone . The bell on the top of the door alerted me to a new customer, so I grumpily clipped my nametag right back on while slouching over the counter to see what creep had entered the shop now.

Man Lady?

"Ninja?" I asked stupidly.

"_Neji_," he corrected indignantly. It _was _Man Lady in all his ambiguously gendered glory!

"Right. What are you doing here?" I said, completely ignoring his correction.

"Just looking. Sai told me you worked here."

"Sai? You mean Belly Shirt Boy?"

"I suppose so. "

Neji's eyes flickered across the selection of dirty magazines and gave a slight, barely noticeable smirk. I couldn't tell if the smirk was from the magazines or the nickname… I bet it was the magazines. He looks like a closet pervert.

"So… what are you doing here again?" I repeated.

"Just seeing what's so interesting about this place," he responded passively.

"Interesting?"

Man Lady shrugged and I rolled my eyes. Mysterious ass hole.

"Are the only things you sell here slushies and porn?"

"Well… actually they're called _slurpies._"

"I can't imagine Sai finding any of this interesting," Neji muttered under his breath. I left Neji to his creepiness and poured myself a slurpie.

"How often does Sai usually come here?" Man Lady asked, taking my attention away from the wonderful savior that is a watermelon slurpie.

"I think he's been here like… twice. In his whole life. Or at least as long as I've been working here."

"Look," Neji said, sounding slightly annoyed and placing his hands on the counter, "I'm going to come right out and ask it."

"I wish you would…?" I replied uncertainly.

"What are you _really _selling here?"

"… Porn and slurpies."

"Be honest. What do you sell behind the scenes here?" he interrogated.

"Uh. As far as I know just porn and slurpies." There was a pause where Man Lady glared at me, as though expecting me to say more. I shrugged, "Why?"

Neji glanced around inconspicuously and then crossed his arms. "Never mind."

The bell dinged again and we both looked towards the door to see… some fat old man who came here every Monday for his weekly dose of porn. He gave me a smile and went to the back of the store, scratching his bald spot and grinning at the nudey magazines.

I turned back to Man Lady. "Can you go now?" I asked bluntly, "Oh, and if you see Sai tell him he left his… knife here."

Man Lady gave a curt nod and left the store dramatically, his hair swinging behind him. What a girl. For the next hour I slouched around the store, gave the fat old man his porn, slept behind the counter, and had about another three slurpies, and before I could go back for round two of my nap time, the bell alerted me to another customer. I snapped my head up, trying to make it look like I wasn't carving my name into the counter, and stared at the customer.

"SAI!" I shouted. Sai gave me a nod and a weird smile.

"Hey buddy, what are you doing here?" I asked, taking a sip of my slurpie.

"Neji told me I left my… knife here."

"Knife?" I asked. "Oh! Right! Your knife! No you didn't actually leave that here."

"That would make sense, as I do not seem to own a plain knife."

"Oh."

There was a pause in our conversation, as per usual, and I wracked my brain, trying to remember why I told Neji that Sai left his knife here.

"Oh right. So you didn't actually lose your knife."

"So I gathered."

"I actually just wanted to ask you something."

"Yes?"

"Why was Neji creepin' around here earlier? He was asking me how often you came here and if I sold stuff behind the scenes and crap like that. I assumed you're a drug-dealer?"

"Not quite. I'm not positive, but I suppose that Neji is looking into my legitimacy as a Konoha ninja."

"Are you an immigrant or something?"

"No. I used to work for roots," he clarified. I gave him a blank look.

"That's cool," I responded unenthusiastically. Anyone else would have picked up on my obliviousness and explained what the hell "roots" was, but of course Sai missed it completely.

"I assume the Hokage wants to keep a close eye on me and has hired Neji to do so."

"That sucks. Are you plotting to kill the Hokage or something?"

"Not at all. But the suspicion remains."

"Shit, what a drag."

Sai grabbed a small pocket book from his pocket and flipped through the pages and responded, "I suppose it is a drag."

"What is that?" I asked gesturing to the book in his hand. He held it up and the title read: Today's Modern Slang. I raised an eyebrow and held out my hand for him to give the book to me. He didn't do anything so I grabbed the book out of his hand and flipped through the pages. Each page had a list of slang phrases and even some pictures of scenarios where you would need them.

"What other books do you have with you?" I asked, still flipping through the pages. Sai pulled out the same book from the other day, Understanding Emotions, and set it on the counter. I opened to a page that had a corner folded and saw that it was marking the beginning of the chapter on "How to Make Friends." Paragraphs were highlighted and notes were taken on the side. The section with nicknames was crossed out.

"What is this?" I finally asked, holding up the book, even though I clearly already knew what it was.

"A book on understanding human emotions."

"Okay, yeah, but why?"

"Because I don't quite understand them."

"Do you think a book will actually help with that? Shouldn't you just, I don't know, hang around people for that?"

"Like field training? No. I much prefer to study the technique before going in."

"That's not quite how emotions work though. They come naturally. Plus emotions grow and thrive with other people's emotions. You won't become emotional when you're distracted by a book all the time."

I didn't know why I was giving advice on emotions. I knew I wasn't an expert, but I felt like I had a pretty firm grasp on the human ways. Well, better then Sai anyway.

"Explain further," he demanded politely.

I shrugged, "I can't. I can't teach you what you already know. You just have to practice or something."

"Practice?"

"Yeah."

"How do I do that?"

"Well," I paused. _How_? Now that's a question. I took the straw in my slurpie and took a drink while I pondered. And then, well, I don't know why I did it I just… sucked the straw full of slurpie and shot it at Sai.

Sai blinked once, twice, three times and then wiped the slurpie off his face and asked solemnly, "Why would you do that?"

I shrugged and then repeated the action, this time shooting slurpie on his shirt. He looked down at his shirt and wiped it off. "Would you mind not doing that?"

I smiled and splashed the whole cup on him from across the counter, laughing like a loser the whole time. Sai shivered from the cold slightly and stared at me passively.

"Why would you do that? What a hassle," he mumbled while wiping slurpie off of his face.

"Ta-dah! And that's annoyance!"

"What?"

"That's your first emotion. Annoyance."

"I don't feel annoyed."

"You are. You said it was a hassle."

"It is."

"Why?"

"Because now I am sticky, cold, and in need of a shower. Not to mention that I have to wash my clothes."

"And that bothers you?"

"Naturally."

I gave him a pointed look.

"Oh," he realized aloud, "I'm _annoyed."_

"Yes, yes my friend, you are."

* * *

Check mate. zomg. "Emotions? What? How? That's so OOC. Bitch, you crazy."

Not so crazy. Just... odd.

What's your favorite quote in this chapter? Mine is, "It _was _Man Lady in all his ambiguously gendered glory!"

Haaaaa.


	5. Chapter 5

After closing the shop with Sai still hanging around we were stuck in that awkward phase where we didn't know each other well enough to say, "see you tomorrow" and weren't distant enough to just say goodbye.

"Well, see you-- goodbye," I told him, combining both options and locking up the store.

"Yes," Sai responded simply.

Because that makes a lot of sense.

"Yeah..."

There was an awkward silence where I bounced on my heels and Sai stared at a spider crawling up the wall.

"Your hair makes you look stupid," I squawked before I could stop myself.

He gingerly touched his bangs before replying, "Oh."

"And your skin is ridiculously white. Like paper white."

"That's not something I can help," he answered stoically.

"I think you use, like, SPF 3000 or something."

"I do not."

"Why are you acting so defensive?" I shot. I know it was stupid-- but I wanted to see him react. I wanted to see him show some emotion.

"I'm not being defensive."

"You're not?"

"I'm not." He nodded firmly.

"So, if I said your skin was, I don't know, say, terrifyingly white, you would say--"

"It's not."

"Psh. Sounds defensive to me," I shrugged.

"It's not. I'm not being defensive."

"…But you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Okay, fine. You're not being defensive."

"I'm not."

"Alright, fine."

There was another silence.

"Are you annoyed?" I asked, sincerely hoping he was.

"No." His answer was too quick.

"I think you are."

"I assure you I'm not."

"Why are you being so defensive?"

"I'm not being defensive."

Ah, and thus the cruel cycle begins again.

I heaved a great sigh. This was going nowhere. So what if I was able to annoy him earlier? It didn't mean that he all of a sudden had emotions that I could call upon whenever I need an ego boost; whenever I wanted to be the one to say, "I annoyed Sai. No seriously. I _annoyed _him."

It was just such a let down.

"Alright, fine," I pouted. "I'm going home now."

I know I was being immature. I _know. _But still, for me it was like telling all my friends that my parrot could say, "that's what she said," and then having them show up and my stupid parrot only being able to say "frappat" and then flying out the window. Shades of my fourteenth birthday.

"Good night, Tomoyo-chan," Sai said politely.

I stumbled my way home (because I have the balance of a one-legged chair) and fell asleep with a melted pint of ice cream in my hands and late night radio playing softly in the background. I woke up to heavy pounding on my door and melted ice cream matting my hair.

"Oh, gross," I grumbled, running a hand through the part of my hair that dipped into the melted ice cream. The incessant pounding continued.

"I'm coming! God, chill the frick out." I shuffled to the door and flung it open, sucking ice cream out of my hair.

"Oh," I said plainly. "Hello, Ninja. What are you doing here?"

"My name is Neji," Man Lady said solemnly.

"Ah, yeah. I was just calling you by your profession," I lied.

"I'm sure… Porn Shop Attendant," he responded, addressing me by my profession.

"Did you just make a joke, Ninja?"

Man Lady's mouth twitched and I couldn't tell if he was fighting a smile or fighting to not kill me.

"I'm serious, Ninja. Did you just make a funny?"

"No. Now I need to talk to you."

I gave an exaggerated eye roll. "I'm not selling Sai drugs, so get you panties out of twist."

I went to shut the door but Man Lady's foot blocked it. I looked at his foot and then moved my glare to his face. "You know, this is probably why no one likes you."

"Amusing assumption. Now I repeat: I need to talk to you."

"Fine. What?" I snapped.

"Do you know what time it is?"

"Uh… like, eight, maybe?"

"Try 9:00PM."

"What?"

"9:00PM."

I started at him blankly before realization set in. "Holy shit! I'm late for work!" I cried, springing into action and attempting to push past Man Lady, who caught me by the shoulders and put me back in place.

"It's closed," Man Lady told me bluntly. "You should know this. It closes everyday by 7:30PM. You don't get off until 8:00."

"You stalking me, Ninja?"

"Not quite. I spoke to your boss."

"Oh…kay."

"The interrogation continues, Tomoyo."

"Interrogation?"

"Where were you last night?"

"Strip club, gettin' some ass, holla!" I flashed a peace sign.

Man Lady flashed a glare.

"Home," I amended. "Horror story radio was on and I had a pint of ice cream with my name on it. There's even ice cream in my hair, see?" I held up the sticky end of my hair as proof.

"Is that also why your appearance is so rumpled?"

I glanced down to see my black pants creased and wrinkled with the zipper down and the button undone, revealing plain blue underwear. My t-shirt was also wrinkled and riding up past my bellybutton.

"Damn. That's embarrassing," I sighed, fixing my appearance and zipping my pants.

"Did you do anything else last night?"

"Oh yeah. I also got together with Sai and sold him some cocaine. And after that we plotted to kill the Hokage. It was awesome."

"That's not something you want to joke about," Man Lady deadpanned.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "Are we done here?"

"You tell me."

"Jeez, Ninja. What do you suspect me of? Seriously, what do you think I'm planning?"

"I don't know."

I gave a sigh. "You think I'm working with Sai, right?"

Man Lady stared at me passively.

"That's it, right? Why don't you just call him?"

"Hn."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"We'll be in touch, Tomoyo." Man Lady nodded his head and began walking away.

"_Why_? Why will be in touch?"

He ignored me.

"This is a load of shit," I grumbled and closed my door, a bit rougher necessary. I quickly showered and put on some fresh, clean clothes and hauled ass to my destination before it got too dark out.

---

I knocked on the door loudly before a petite, black-haired woman holding a pig opened the door.

"Yes?" she asked sweetly.

"Uh, hi. I need to speak to the Hokage." I mustered up all the manners I had.

"Oh, I'm sorry, but she's very busy right now," she answered, moving to close the door. I repeated the move Man Lady used earlier and blocked the door with my foot.

"Please! This is important!"

"I--"

"Please!" I whined, ready to break out the tears if need be.

"Well--"

"Please! This is really important!" I paused, and then added "to me" under my breath.

The woman looked at me in a calculative manner.

"_Please_?" I repeated.

"Shizune, just let her in or kick her out! How hard of a decision can it be?" The tired voice worried me. This was my bright idea? Oh gee, how about I bring up my petty problems with the Hokage? Yeah, that's awesome.

The petite woman opened the door and showed me in. The office was large and round and official… everything I wasn't used to. A tired looking woman with abnormally large boobs glanced up at me from a mountain of paperwork and gestured towards the chair in front of her desk.

I shuffled to the chair uncertainly and took a seat. "Uh… Lady Hokage."

She put down her pen and flipped a blond pigtail over her shoulder. "Yes?"

"Um… well, what should I call you? What would you prefer?" I asked, avoiding the subject I intended to talk to her about.

"Tsunade is fine."

"Oh, okay. Tsunade," I said, testing out the name.

She raised an eyebrow in an irritated fashion, "Yes?"

"Uh, okay, I'm just gonna come straight out and say it."

"I wish you would."

"Okay, Ninja is annoying the hell outta me," I belched bluntly.

"Ninja?" she questioned, pushing her paperwork to the side.

"Yeah, you know, the kid with the creepy eyes and the girl's hair?"

"Ah, Neji," she nodded.

"Yeah, him. He's weird as hell."

Tsunade smiled slightly but then put on a bored face, "What do you want me to do about it?"

"Here's the deal, I work at this crummy little porn shop and I met this albino named Sai. He's not bad or anything, but apparently he has no friends, so I guess it's Ninja's-- I mean Neji's job is to gather info on anyone Sai talks to,."

"That's not quite his mission."

"Then _what_?" I sighed exasperatedly, "What does he want with me? I'm not helping Sai out with anything-- except maybe an occasional porno fix. Listen, I just want to get Ninja off my back. He's weird and his hair is better then mine."

"Listen--" Tsunade paused for my name.

"Tomoyo."

"--Tomoyo. It is currently Neji's job to investigate any relationships or connections Sai is forming."

"Can I know why?"

Tsunade sighed, "I'm afraid not."

"Oh." I paused. "Can you at least get Man Lady off my back? Just tell Ninja I'm not dealing crack. He hasn't said it, but I know he thinks I'm a druggie."

Tsunade was silent for a moment, taking a sip of what I'm guessing wasn't water. "I'll see what I can do."

I smiled, "Thanks!"

I got out of the chair and made my way to the door, "Sorry for coming by so late." My hand stopped on the doorknob, "Do you think Sai is actually a bad guy?"

"Do you?" she responded.

"I think he's dumb as all hell," I said honestly. "But not bad."


End file.
